Sponge Card Dueling Love in San Francisco
by shirisotp
Summary: It's time to duel San Francisco. Love, anger, and power are all that's left in Danny Tanner's insane mind. Who will save him from the darkness? Where's Joey? When did Spongebob get in the picture? San Fran has been turned upside down.
1. Chapter 1

The world of dueling was a strange, yet powerful and wonderful thing to the single father. Danny had only done small time duels, usually those done in garages or alleys. The rush of excitement when he placed his card down and defeated his opponent kept him feeling young. Of course those had all been small time duelers, men and women who were new to the game. Danny wondered if he would be any match to someone as great as Yugi

~  
Joey felt especially nervous ever since he and the sponge exchanged numbers. Should he call first? What smiling emoticon was he to text? They had so many laughs and jokes ever since they met. His heart pulsed rapidly whenever he thought of the sponge. The blue eyes, the rosy cheeks, pink lips; John F. Kennedy, he was perfect. But did this mean that these thoughts and feelings he felt for the sponge, were past the fine line of platonic? If so, how should he go about crossing this line and into the sponge's bedroom?  
3333333333  
The yellow sponge sighed as he flipped his phone open, revealing no recent text messages, or calls. He tosses and turn, holding himself, blushing bright when Joey came back on his mind. Joey. He was so different, different dna. He wasn't like the others, almost like a futuristic brother. Joey, dominating him, holding him, sweat on his pores. Spongebob gasped. It was dirty, but it was okay to taste the devil's water occasionally. He remembered Joey walking, cherry blossoms swirling around, hazel bright eyes, "Joey..." Spongebob whispered. The pounding in his heart told him the truth that his mind accepted. He was in love with Joey Gladstone.  
3333333333  
Joey's heart was beating out of his chest as he opened his cell phone and located Spongebob's number in his rather small list of contacts. His hands were shaking, he realized, as he selected the name. He put the phone to his ear and listened to the ringing. 5 rings. 6 rings. He began to feel so stupid. The man of his dreams, the objects of his late night desires, was not going to answer. Why would he? Joey was an aging comedian with nothing to offer. He was about to hang up when we heard the angelic voice that haunted his dreams.  
"Joey, I'm so glad you finally called."  
Joey swallowed the lump in his throat "S-Spongebob" it tickled his tongue as he said the sponges sweet name. "We should meet. There's uh, something I need to tell you. In person"

Joey paced anxiously in front of Spongebob's lovely home, awaiting for the adorable yellow cutie to answer the door. His patience paid off, for there stood the man of his midnight dreamings.  
"Joey.."  
"S-Spongebob. I-"  
"I have something to say too.."  
Joey paused, his face flushed.  
"I, I love you Joey."  
Joey Gladstone was shocked. And it took a lot to shock him. Living with Danny's things he called his "daughters" screwed around so much that not a lot could surprise him these days. However, this was a positive shocker. Not like the shock of seeing the milk spilled and having Stephanie say,"I didn't mean it," and resisting the urge to slap the girl to Timbuktu.  
The look on his face must of upset the sponge, for he began to cry.  
"I-I get that you wouldn't like some g-goober like me a-and i-"  
Joey pulled the yellow creature close, hand on his lower back, and into a deep and loving kiss.

Some days later..  
Danny peered in through the pineapple's small circular window. He often wondered where Joey was running off to in the middle of the night, so tonight he followed him.  
What he saw disgusted him. Joey.. *his* Joey in a liplock with that Sponge creature they had met only a few days ago! Anger and resentment boiled inside of him. Joey was his. He had to do something about this. He had to take out the trash.  
Danny Tanner would not let this stand, not on his watch. Watching his Joey become dominant with the sponge enchanted him, however, he wanted Joey to stay a obedient bottom in bed. He shook his head from his sexually frustrated thoughts and his mind remembered Yugi's message. Call him anytime. He needed to become the most powerful card dueler in San Francisco. To obtain that title, he needed to learn from the best. Well, soon to be second best. Once he wins the honor, he'll challenge the yellow annoyance, destroy him, and win back his beloved hazel eyed man.

Danny Tanner walked to Yugi's abode. There was a soft wind that tousled his chocolate locks. Cherry blossoms that he'd never seen growing before fluttered around him. Yugi peered out his window, and gasped. San Francisco's tv host was absolutely stunning. He kept his composure and hid the blush on his soft cheeks. Danny watched the teen fidget around with his face, and gave a tender smile he usually gave to his beloved daughters.  
"Mr. Tanner."  
"Yugi."

Danny slammed his fists down on Yugi's mahogany table, nearly cracking it. The TV show host's strength had a profound effect on Yugi, who took in a sharp breath. "You don't understand!" Danny shouted, "I have to destroy them. I have to take back what's mine. You either teach me or I find someone else, and don't think I won't." He sat back down and ran his fingers through his hair, calming himself down. "I really need this." He whispered. Yugi leaned back in his chair, pressing his finger tips together. "Alright Tanner. Ill teach you, on one condition."  
Danny leaned forward "Anything." Yugi leaned forward, his face mere centimeters from Danny's. "Duel me."

One long night of "dueling" later..

Danny Tanner was a man to his word. He was so ready for this. Yugi walked painfully behind him, his backside aching from last night's training. Spongebob stood by Joey, holding onto him, frightened. Danny grinned. He loved the look of fear in an opponent's eyes. It made him feel energized, powerful.  
"Spongebob Squarepants."  
"D-Danny let's not fight there's gotta be-"  
"No."  
"Danny, this needs to stop. You're crazy." Joey stood in front of his yellow lover protectively, which only angered Danny more.  
"NO!"  
Joey glanced at Spongebob, sighed, and gave in.  
"Alright Danny, let's begin."  
Danny smirked widely, a flash of red in his chocolate eyes.  
"Excellent."  
Danny looked deep into Joey's eyes "Oh, but it's not you I intend on dueling dear Joey," letting out a little laugh, but becoming serious again. "It's him." He pointed to the yellow creature hanging onto Joeys side. "M-Me?" Spongebob swallowed hard. Joey closed his eyes and sighed. "Yes you. You're going to duel me. If you lose, which you will, you have to leave Joey alone. Forever." The Sponge gasped. He looked from Joey to Danny, stammering, looking for the right words. He was not a master dueler, in fact it was only a hobby to keep himself entertained, and the only other creature he has dueled was his pet snail. Who had beat him. Joey kneeled down so he could look his lover in the eyes, and held his face in his hands. "I believe in you, I know you can do this. It's in your DNA. If not for yourself, do it for me, okay? Do it for us." The sponge nodded, and Joey pulled him in for a kiss. Danny gagged at the passionate lovers. Spongebob looked Danny in the eyes with determination. "You're on"

Danny and Spongebob flew into the air as the scenery around them turned green and murky.  
Danny whipped out a card and yelled,"I SUMMON MY RED MAGICIAN."  
Spongebob winced, this was already bad. If he had a red magician, and four plus four equaled nine, and red and yellow make lime, his armored dragon was nothing to this. But inspiration hit his mind. He pulled out a card and yelled, "SKIP A TURN DANNY TURNER"  
Danny was shocked. How could he be so stupid? Now him and his card were frozen and defenseless.  
Spongebob grinned, here was a nice change in the situation.  
"I CALL UPON MY ARMORED SERPENT"  
Danny winced as he watched his red magician get strangled by the serpent. The fucking sponge! His eyes twitched, full red eyes now donned on, and lept onto Joey.  
Danny stood behind Joey, his arm around his neck and a gun to his head. 'Where did that even come from?' Spongebob wondered. But it didn't matter. Danny was laughing manically. "I'll do it! Ill fucking shoot him! If I can't have him NOBODY CAN." Spongebob took a step forward, and Danny aimed at him "DON'T COME ANY CLOSER YELLOW THING" and tightened his grip around Joey, causing him to gasp. Joey began to speak between gasps. "Spongebob, you are the most important thing to me and I am so glad I met you, that I talked to you, you taught me how to dominate and that's all I ever asked for in a relationship. But you need to leave. I can't risk you being hurt. I can live my life with Danny peacefully if I know that you are safe." Tears welled in Spongebobs eyes, "No! You can't leave me Joey goddammit! I love you too much!" He cried. The conversation between the lovers tugged on Yugi's heart strings. "Danny!" He said, stepping toward the man. Danny pointed the gun at him instead. "Put the gun down Danny"  
Yugi tacked Danny down, with this action causing Danny to release his hold of Joey and the gun. Yugi sat on top of Danny and held him down. The red in Danny's eyes was bright, but began to flicker out. "Danny Tanner. I have made an excellent card dueler out of you."  
He looked away, then looked back.  
"And-And also an excellent partner."  
Danny gasped quietly. The red in his eyes completely gone.  
"I've fallen for you, and, and you don't need HIM!" Yugi motioned by pointing at Joey Gladstone.  
"I want you," Yugi grabbed Danny's hand and placed it on his mouth to kiss, then rested it on his heart,  
"To need me."  
Danny Tanner sat up, grabbed the boy, and kissed him passionately.

Many days later..

Michelle walks up to her new uncle, who was washing the dishes, and tugs on his apron. 'Yugi can you get me some ice cream?'"

The end~


	2. Chapter 2

"Hi, welcome to the Maury Show! I'm here today with Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone, Yugi, and Spongebob. Can you tell us why you're here Danny?"

Danny shifted uncomfortably in his seat, sweating profusely. He took a deep breath, and spoke in a shaky voice.  
"I'm here today to find put the father of my baby."

"And one of the men sitting here with us today is the father?"

Danny nodded, looking down. The crowd "OOOH"ed and booed at him. He held back hot tears.

"I am Joey Gladstone and I just want to say that I am NOT this baby's daddy! Danny is a filthy whore and I wouldn't doubt that even a member of the AUDIENCE COULD BE THIS BABY'S DADDY. you wanna know, this baby don't even look like me! The baby is ugly as shit and ain't no way it came from this beautiful body. Fuck you Maury!"

Yugi then stood up, and cleared his throat,"I am Yugi, and Joey Gladstone is a LYING FILTHY BITCH CUNT. HOW _DARE_ YOU SPEAK SO _LIGHTLY_ OF DANNY TANNER. I AM THE FATHER. **I. AM. THE. FATHER**." He began to attack Joey while Spongebob cried violently, screaming for him to stop. The crowd booed and Joey stood up, flipping off the audience.

"Hey. Hey! Stop it!" Maury yelled. A very large security guard came onto the stage and threw Yu Gi over his shoulder. Yu Gi was slightly turned on by the mans strength but wasn't not going to let that stop his temper tantrum.

"YOU CAN TAKE ME AWAY BUT THAT WON'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I AM THE BABY'S FATHER!"  
Danny sighed heavily, watching the love of his life being violently dragged out of the room.

Maury turned toward the monitor behind him. "Let's see what Danny had to say before the show."

Danny's face appeared on the screen. "I don't give a fucking _shit_ about what anyone has to say. Me and Joey didn't fuck," Danny then put a hand on his hip, "and we have NEVER fucked. All i know is, Spongebob is a lying, jealous, bitch cunt that just wants to start shit with the Tanner family. And i'll let _ALL_ of San Francisco know that. Me and Yugi are in love, and Spongebob's just a bitch with holes that haven't been getting filled."

The crowd booed as the screen faded. "Now Spongebob, why are you here today?"

"I _KNOW_ Joey's been cheating on me with Danny, and I want justice served."  
"That's NOT fucking true!" Joey screamed. He began violently shaking the sponge, the feeling of having ultimate control over his lover's life excited him.

"Hey! Stop it! Stop it!" Maury yelled. "LOOK at what you're doing! Is this how you treat someone you love?" He looked to the crowd. "Is it?" The audience clapped and whooped.

Joey threw the feeble sponge to the crowd and faced the audience. "You fuckers wouldn't know real love if it slapped you in the face!" The crowd booed, and Joey stuck his middle finger to the crowd. "That fucker Danny has been up my ass, not literally of course, ever since I dumped his sorry ass for spongebob over here. He knows what we got is too true. He's been trying to stop it since it began." Joey looked at the sponge, still on the ground. "You know I love you small and spongey. C'mere," Joey initiated an intense make out session with Spongebob while the crowd groaned.

"HEY STOP IT," Maury said, clearly disturbed by tonight's events.

Maury, still staring at the hot mess that was going on right in front of him, hardly noticed the boos coming from the audience. Yu Gi was walking back onto set, angry as hell.

"Hey fucker!" Joey looked up, now on top of Spongebob. "Yeah you! I heard you talking shit about Danny! I'll let you know that we are IN LOVE. And that he would do NOTHING to hurt me! This is all one big misunderstanding. Danny has slept with no other man, SO SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIE HOLE GLADSTONE!"

Joey snorted. "If Danny had shut his holes we wouldn't be here right now"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!" Yu Gi said, charging toward Joey, dead set on strangling the life out of this man.

"FUCK YOURSELF YUGI. STUFF ALL THOSE LAME ASS CARDS UP YOUR ASS FOR THE LACK OF DICK YOU'VE BEEN RECEIVING!" Joey shouted.

Yugi glared, and yelled, "CAN YOU GO TALK TO YOURSELF SOMEWHERE ELSE GLADSTONE, YOU AUTISTIC FUCK. SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING NOT TO LOSE BRAIN CELLS."  
The crowd whooped. Joey ripped out Spongebob's tongue and whirled it around while strutting two middle fingers.

Maury stood up, clearly past his eyeballs in the bullshit that was happening before him. "IF YOU FUCKERS DONT KNOCK IT OFF SO WE CAN GET THIS GODDAMN SHOW GOING I AM GOING TO THROW ALL OF YOU SLUTS OUT OF THIS BUILDING" he immediately turned toward the camera guy "you fuckers in the editing room better not get this in the final cut!" He sat down and crossed his legs. "Okay, now lets continue please."

Yu Gi took a deep breath. "There's actually something I need to do." He stood in front of Danny, suddenly dropping to one knee. He took his hand. "Danny, we've been together for a long time and you're absolutely the most wonderful man I have ever had the pleasure of embracing-"

"GAY" yelled an audience member. Yu Gi swiveled and immediately threw a knife into the audience, stabbing said man in the shoulder. "AUGHHHH" he screamed.

"Anyways," Yu Gi said, returning his attention to Danny, who was now overcome with emotion and near tears. "I love you. And I want to be this baby's father no matter what. But most importantly, I want to be your husband. Will you marry me?" The crowd cooed, although some gagging noises were heard.

Danny was so overcome with emotions, he started sobbing and shaking his head yes. He dipped his head into a tearful kiss. Joey watched while eating Spongebob's skin.

Maury rubbed his temples, literally just what the fuck has conspired already. "Is the family ready to hear who's the father?"

Danny and Yugi gripped their hands tightly and nodded. Joey muttered a yes while chewing on the sponge, with disgusted gaps filling the audience. Maury cringed, he just didn't have it in him to stop that dude.

Maury opened the envelope, and looked at Joey. "Joey Gladstone, in the case of Yu Gi Jr, you are NOT the father!"

Joey jumped up, pumping his fists, accidentally punching and knocking Spongebob out. "I TOLD YOU FUCKERS! HA HA! IM OUT OF HERE!"He threw Spongebob over his shoulder and began to walk toward the exit.

Maury continued, exhausted. "Yu Gi whatever your last name is, in the case of Yu Gi Jr.. You are NOT the father" Yu Gi's mouth dropped,

Joey spun on his heels "Hold up."

Joey kicked Spongebob back to the ground, his small yellow body shaking from his incoherent sobbing.

"Then who the fuck fucked this grandpa?"

The crowd looked to each other in confusion, mumbling.

Maury adjusted his glasses, groaning. "The father of Yu Gi Jr, is, Steve Buscemi?" Even Maury was surprised, and he had already seen enough shit go down.

The crowd cheered and yelled as Steve Buscemi walked down the aisle from the audience, with that smile, adjusting his jacket.

Joey double back flipped out.

A few girls attempted to leap out of the audience into Buscemi's arms, but he was quick to avoid his screaming fangirls. He winked to the audience before putting his sunglasses on, sending a few girls into hysterics and one to the hospital.

"Oh Jesus Christ" Maury said under his breath.

Steve sat down on stage.

"I'm not surprised I'm the father, I've been told i have a potent seed" more screaming fangirls. Maury threw up in his mouth.

Yu Gi was holding back tears but was finding it hard, lower lip trembling he turned to Danny "How.. Why.." He broke down crying. "WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"

"I DIDNT MEAN TOO. IT WASNT ME. IT WAS HIM. I ONLY WANT YOU YUGI." Danny screamed, crying, sobbing.

Yugi turned his head 360 degrees around, to glare at Steve Buscemi. Steve was already making himself comfortable, flashing a smile at Maury, who looked like he was ready to burn down the nearest church.

"Is it true. You touched Danny."

Steve lit a cigar. "Boy, i did more then TOUCH. You know what I mean?" He looked at the audience, which began clapping and laughing.

Yugi used every last bit of energy to stay calm. "What. happened."

Steve rubbed his neckbeard in thought. "Hit the lights Juan, let's play the Tanner security camera footage."

Danny gulped "Can we.. Can we not show that footage, oh christ, please."

Steve took a drag. "Yeah I suppose it probably doesn't have me in the best light, plus you can't really see anyone faces in it the way we had the cameras angled."

Maury puked.

"WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL WHAT'S GOING ON FOR CHRIST SAKES" Yu Gi yelled.

"Alright. Well. I was walking down the local burger place.." Danny started. "It was like 1 am and I was really craving a burger, you know?" The audience nodded. "Anyways, I get there and I'm about to go in and I realize I didn't bring any money! So I sat on the curb and I just began to cry because man, I was so fucking hungry."

Maury groaned "To the point please."

Danny nodded "Alright well Steve here was walking down the street and he saw me crying and he said 'Hey Tanner! Why you crying?' And I told him. And he said that he'd buy me a burger if.. If.." Danny broke into tears "If he could have his way with me!"

The audience gasped. Steve shrugged. Maury puked again.

"so of COURSE I accepted, I was hungry! But just then Gary Busey steps out of the shadows and says he'll make it a double bacon burger if he can join!" Danny violently sobs into his hands. "The bacon wasn't even worth it." he says between gasps.

Maury began looping a rope, as Yu Gi blinked back tears.

"What..Danny, honey, i was making hamburgers for dinner that night.."

The crowd "oooohed" and cringed.

Danny looked up, shocked, and regret sank in. Steve took a picture of Danny and posted it on twitter, calling him a gay baby. He snickered to himself while Maury began wrapping the rope around a hook on the cieling of the wall. Yu Gi took a knife, and stabbed himself 37 times till he dropped. He touched Danny's face, closing his eyes, resting with a broken and battered heart.

Danny looked around him. Yu Gi was lying dead on the ground, Maury was hanging from the rafters, and Spongebob was still lying unconscious in the aisle. The whole audience was in shock, some were even crying.

Steve lit another cigar and pulled out his skate board. "Later losers," he said, skateboarding the fuck out of there.

Just then Joey came into the building. "Danny" he said, sensually. Danny tried to hold back his tears of joy. "It worked!" He said, his voice cracking.

"They believed it all. They believed it was Steve's baby, look! Yu Gi and Maury killed themselves!" Danny chuckled to himself.

Joey came up and held him in a sweet embrace "Now we can be together forever. You, me, and our baby."

So Danny then killed the whole audience, thus making a mark in history as the Maury Show Massacre. He gave birth to a two headed centipede named Janny Gladstone, and they are currently wanted criminals for cannibalism.


End file.
